The High Cost of
Conflict
Communication between a parent and a child is comparatively
different from the way adults communicate with each other. When children are young, there are boundaries
parents must set to achieve a balance of friendship and parental control. As children transition into adulthood, communication
becomes challenging before getting better as both parent and child learn to
adapt to communicating like adults.
Based on my experience, I have learned that active listening is not as
easy as it seems, and it has taken many years and a mediator to help me realize
the importance of listening to my daughter.
The relationship between a parent and child is one of the
most long-lasting and emotionally intense social ties with the most tension,
irritation, and ambivalence (Birditt, Miller, Fingerman, & Lefkowitz, E.
S., 2009). My daughter is a very
emotionally sensitive, nostalgic girl with a vivid memory and enjoys reliving
stories from the past. This can be nice especially
when precious memories are reminisced, but not so nice when negative memories
resurface. Often, I became defensive or
brushed them off.
My upbringing has conditioned me to control my emotional
eruptions. Growing up, I was told quite
frequently that children are to be seen and not heard, so expressing myself was
like walking on eggshells; there were times I was backhanded as a child for
expressing my emotions or speaking how I truly felt about a situation. Raising an emotional child has helped me to
become more sensitive to the feelings and emotions of others but not without a
learning curve. When my daughter was a
teenager, I needed to allow her to process her feelings and memories in a
healthy way so she could move forward.
This was a significant part of her development into a self-confident
young woman. This phase of
self-discovery caused much tension between her and me especially in those days
when I worked long hours in retail, and my energy levels were often depleted
when she needed me the most. The overall
quality of our relationship resulted in depressive symptoms in my daughter. According to Birditt, et al., parent-child
tensions are common and are the result of discrepancies in developmental needs
which vary by generation, gender, and age (Birditt, Miller, Fingerman, &
Lefkowitz, E. S., 2009). I had to learn
patience and learn how to filter her emotions and really listen to what she was
saying, but this did not happen overnight.
Our relationship went through some difficult times for a few
years with periods of not speaking. I
was trying to be helpful based on my experiences, but it took a third party for
me to realize this is not what she needs. A few months ago, she brought a
friend over to the house whose relationship with her mother was very much the
same as ours. This friend is also very
much like my daughter; sensitive and emotional.
We talked for hours as she told stories about how she and her mother
overcame much of the same issues. I
started to see a whole other perspective as she brought more clarity to how
feelings of hurt became deeply rooted throughout the years as emotions were
disregarded. This was the turning point
for me to develop an attitude of resolution.
My daughter took the time to pour out all her anger and frustration built
up over many years. Tears were shed
among all three of us women as clarity replaced confusion and hurt between
us.
The second step in Levine’s resolution model is about
understanding and being understood. I
came to realize the value of listening with a careful ear, honoring her
authenticity, and understanding her truth (Levine, 2009). At first, I took on a
defensive tone, but her friend interpreted the root of what my daughter Ally was
saying, and she pointed out my natural reaction to offer my opinion or a life
lesson. She showed me that for many
years my daughter felt that what I had to offer was sending a message that she
was incapable or inept to handle her situations and that by offering my opinion
on what she should do or should have done, I was not allowing her to be
authentic. What also surfaced was her
belief that I dislike her. My wanting
the best for my daughter, always suggesting a different alternative, was
interpreted as me dissatisfied with her, and she couldn’t do anything
right. After hearing this, I let her
know how proud of her I am, how she inspires me, and how I live vicariously
through her. As her friend explained
that her mother is the same way, this helped Ally to realize how mothers
think. Telling her these things disarmed
her from being defensive and also allowed her to see that I do have only the
best intentions for her. The fourth step
in Levine’s resolution model is getting current and complete. We each said difficult things which helped us
to experience and grieve for the disappointment of unrealized expectations
(Levine, 2009). This process gave us
information and emotional freedom to make peace with the past an see a vision
for the future where we are best friends able to communicate on a deep level.
To further expand on Levine’s model, what’s interesting
about this experience is we each learned about our differences, including
differences in the way we listen. In a
study by Christa Arnold, listening surveys find that we rate ourselves as good
to excellent listeners but fair to poor listeners for other people. Additionally, many people do not even know
there are types of listening other than “active” or “passive” listening. Professor Arnold discusses there are many
types of listening, including discriminative, comprehensive, therapeutic,
critical, empathic, and appreciative (Arnold,
2014) along with the many skills involved for each type of listening. After reflecting on my listening over the
past 22 years, much clarity and understanding could have been drawn from
empathic and appreciative listening, and these are the skills I fully intend to
learn more of and apply to our discussions going forward.
Armed with a new attitude of resolution, new information
about each other, and new listening skills, Levine’s model and a third-party
mediator has helped to resolve this extensive conflict. We are no longer burdened by the hurt and
grief at the ever-nagging thought of losing each other for lack of a better alternative. Step 7 of Levine’s roadmap for resolving
conflict was once an imaginary future state we each had only hoped to achieve
and now armed with a new agreement, a clear mind about the past, we can freely
move forward, devoting our energy and attention to currently desired
outcomes. We have emptied ourselves of
the past, spoken our unspeakables, and now have a new sense of freedom (Levine,
2009). We are empowered and
resolved.
References:
Arnold, C.L. (2014). Listening: The Forgotten Communication
Skill. J Mass Communication Journalism 4:e155. doi:10.4172/2165-7912.1000e155
Birditt, K. S., Miller, L. M.,
Fingerman, K. L., & Lefkowitz, E. S. (2009). Tensions in the parent and
adult child relationship: Links to solidarity and ambivalence. Psychology and
aging, 24(2), 287–295. doi:10.1037/a0015196
Levine, S. (2009). Getting to resolution (2nd ed.). San
Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.
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