A632.9.3.RB_Role of Emotion in Decision-Making

Role of Emotion in Decision Making

               Professor Shiv begins his speech saying, “decision confidence gives rise to the passion for the action that you are taking.”  Throughout his extensive research on the subject, he has found that confidence has a direct impact on the dopamine system or the engagement system of the brain.  This information is critical to the improvement of decision making because it is saying that with increased confidence; effort, engagement, and wanting results are positively increased.   Essentially, this decision confidence gives rise to the passion for the action you are taking.  This passion is evident in body language and level of engagement, which is an essential characteristic of great leaders because those you lead can sense your level of confidence through observing your body language.  Your confidence affects their confidence as if it is contagious.  It has a significant impact on the utility that you, as well as your team,  will extract from the experience (Shiv, 2011). 

While at Target, I enjoyed being there every day and enjoyed opportunities to affect those around me with the same enjoyment I felt.  I knew that daily operations and guest experience would be directly impacted positively if teams were engaged and passionate about their objectives, so I made it a point first thing before shift changes to get everyone into team huddles.  I used these opportunities to show the team my genuine appreciation for them by personally recognizing their efforts; acknowledging those who went above and beyond with applause.  I brought them up to date on corporate initiatives, company philanthropy, district wins, and store leadership goals and objectives.  I decided to involve them on this information so they could feel more connected to the company and our corporate culture.  They didn’t only feel like a store team; they were part of an even greater purpose and something they could feel proud of.  I cared for my store team like family, and I ensured that every team member felt valued and enjoyed coming to work in the positive environment we created.   The passion for the team and guests was persuasive enough to be contagious; the team members went forth into their daily roles with this contagious passion that was reflected in the quality of their work and passed along to guest experience.  The decision confidence in the way huddles were directed was reflected in the decision confidence of the team as they successfully ran their departments and extracted optimal utility from the experience.   In this situation, emotion played a significant role in each decision I made; in the way I chose to conduct team huddles, how I approached team-building exercises and handled employee development.  My goal was to reach as many individuals as possible every day on an emotion level in a way that transcends rational and intellectual levels; to truly inspire them.  

According to Biro, when we are inspired, we tap into our best selves and deliver amazing work (Biro, 2013).  I believe there is a leader in each one of us, but it takes confidence in who you are and confidence in your abilities for true inspiring passion to emerge, and this is the substrate in which leaders are born because I think leadership can be acquired, honed, and perfected.   Brio lists the tools that allow talent to shine as; emotional intelligence, continuous learning, contextualize, let go, honesty, kindness, respect, collaboration, and partner with your people (Biro, 2013).  I think the most essential tool is emotional intelligence.  Great leaders are empathetic and understanding to peoples desires and needs, which allows them to react to fulfill them. This provides a sense of fulfillment and of being understood.  They are important for motivating people, creating vision, and focusing energy.  According to Sundheim, you need emotion in the front end to inform prioritization (creating vision, focusing energy), and you also need emotion on the back end to motivate and inspire (Sundheim, 2013).

A situation I was not so confident in was over fifteen years ago when I was a special education paraprofessional at the Guam High School.  During my years there, I was happy and confident in my role and had built strong relationships with my students.  One year when an Algebra teacher fell ill I was asked to sub for the remainder of the school year.  It was November, and I remember being very nervous in my abilities to teach math thinking I’d be doing a disservice to the students by not being as effective or helpful as they needed me to be.   I could be their cheerleader and support system in their math progress. I could offer help in just about any other subject they needed!  This lack of confidence turned to fear, and anxiety resulting in self-doubt, and a negative perspective about myself and my abilities and was reflected in my communication with the students.  I’m certain my body language displayed this lack of confidence.  As I stumbled my way through all the lessons, I sensed a lack of control over the classroom; students didn’t care what I was saying as I tried to explain what I had interpreted from my reviews of the lessons.  Since decision confidence gives rise to the passion for the action that you are taking, and the confidence or passion was not there, students lost all interest and respect in me as a leader. 

My lack of confidence translated to emotions of fear and discontent which impacted my level of motivation and engagement and it most definitely impacted the utility that I could have otherwise extracted from the experience; that of success.  This was the experience that woke me up to the importance of leadership and its impact.  I learned that good leaders have a vision and courage to carry out that vision, confidence in communicating; directing and influencing the team, self-confidence; trust in my abilities, a team builder; making teams feel significant and important, ambitious and motivated, embraces risks with confidence; welcomes opportunities, employs decisions; puts change into operation, and solution-oriented; corrects mistakes.  Some of these lessons learned fall under Dr. Shiv’s decision confidence virtues of passion, contagious confidence, and extraction of utility (Shiv, 2011).  Without confidence, there are no virtues from invoking emotion for effective leadership and decision-making.  It’s the emotion that is needed that gives rise to the passion for action that you are taking.  If I had confidence going into the classroom of math students despite my weak abilities, the situation would have turned out very differently.  As Dr. Shiv stated, “confidence is vastly underrated.” (Shiv, 2011).

References:

Biro, M. M. (2013). Leadership is about emotion. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/meghanbiro/2013/12/15/leadership-is-about-emotion/

Shiv, B. (2011). Brain research at Stanford: Decision making. [Video/DVD] Stanford University. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRKfl4owWKc

Sundheim, D. (2013, -08-15T16:00:21Z). Good leaders get emotional. Harvard Business Review, Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2013/08/good-leaders-get-emotional

A632.8.2.RB_Reflections on the Cynefin framework

Reflections on the Cynefin Framework

Leaders face multiple demands with a variety of decisions and responses.  The framework can give an improved context for decision making because once the domain is identified, leaders can then take appropriate action based on what decision model goes along with the particular domain.  Knowing the framework is essentially divergent from the norm where, depending on the space, leaders think and analyze differently.  Diverting from one size fits all, traditional approaches to leadership can help leaders better assimilate complex concepts and contexts and generate enhanced communication and contextual understanding (Snowden & Boone, 2007).

Five ways the framework can give an improved context for decision making, including three examples each quadrant can facilitate the process:

If operating in the simple domain, using the framework gives the leader an improved context because they can continually delegate and ensure that proper processes are in place, using best practices to communicate clearly and directly, however, the simple domain is highly vulnerable to rapid and accelerated change.  Knowing this, leaders can use these best practices and decision-making strategies while being cognizant not become complacent and believe their myths and past processes to the extent they think they are invulnerable to failure.  The simple quadrant facilitated my decision making in the past in several ways when I worked at Target.  An example of sense, categorize, and respond was, I was given a manifest of the trucks ahead of time, so I knew exactly what was on them and the number and types of cartons.  This was helpful for me to accurately plan the unload labor exactly.  Another example, I was given a factual budget that I used to schedule labor, which was a fact-based decision, and it was broken down by department.  Each department had a specific budget, which made it simple to plan within this known-known fact-based context.  Another example was ad set.  I was sent a preview of the next week's ad ahead of time, which was guaranteed each week.  I had a routine, fact-based process of best practices.  When I established this process, I trained a team for ad prep, creating clear, direct training.  I delegated the team to set up end caps, ensured the POS system was programmed to accept the deals, and setting the marketing; displaying all the add and signage.  Because the redundancy of the process was like clockwork each week, I could stay connected without micromanaging.

When operating in the complicated domain, the framework can help leaders working within this domain by applying the analytical decision model of sense, analyze, and respond.  Leaders can create teams or panels of experts to diagnose the situations that arise.  Being aware of the hazards within this domain of analysis paralysis, and advice from non-experts and continually operating in fact-based management will allow for a higher chance of success operationally.  The complicated quadrant facilitated decision making in my leadership experience at Target involving our incident response to theft.  We were given a decision tree on response procedures for what should happen in the event of a theft. However, not every incident is applicable, and there are many unknowns.  If a situation progressed past the decision tree, there might be more than one right way to handle it.  This decision would be left to the discretion of the leader on duty (LOD), as well as the asset protection (AP) team.  Since the AP team is trained on security equipment and measures, they would be the experts to involve in the analysis of the situation.  Another example of a complicated situation the framework can facilitate is a standard operating procedure for conducting an annual inventory of the store which is complicated because it only happens once a year and involves many steps, in an attempt to capture all the inventory in the entire store.  It is planned out six months in advance and carried out by only the most experienced personnel.  If a situation presented if the system recognized there was work in progress (product in the backroom but not scanned to the shelves, registers were not all closed out, or manifests from the latest trucks were not received), this would involve troubleshooting by experts.  There were times we brought in experts from the distribution center to diagnosis issues.  Cause and effects in this situation were discoverable but not immediately apparent.  A third example is the red card sales at the POS.  I instituted a teaching team of team members I considered expert in the sale of red cards to train other team members using role-playing.  Team members were given scenarios on what to say to guests to close the sale of a red card.  When team members were not meeting their goals, I paired them up with an expert to walk through the conversations.  We did not know what to expect, and therefore this was within the realm of known unknowns. 

Applying the framework to the complex domain is beneficial to leaders operating in this space because it will allow them to apply the appropriate decision model to probe, sense, and respond using approaches that encourage patients and interaction so patterns can emerge naturally.  Leaders within this domain understand they are in a continual state of flux and unpredictability with no right answers, a system without causality.  Leaders can conduct experients and amplify results of experiments are successful and dampen effects when experiments fail.  Pattern-based leadership, using methods that generate ideas while encouraging open discussion, encouraging dissent and diversity will set the stage for emerging trends.  Leaders should be vigilant not to fall into command and control fact-based management.  An example of how the complex quadrant facilitated my past decision making was when I initially began homeschooling.  As my first experience, I relied on the research I had done on various curriculums although, I found there are many options with competing ideas and many varying opinions on them all.   This was unpredictable because each person learns differently and I had to discover what worked best for my son.  After choosing, I had to be patient with my son and myself and allow time for reflection.  Eventually, after nearly two years and three curriculum changes, we settled on one that he’s thriving in with an increased level of learning, communication, and interaction.  Another example where the complex quadrant facilitates my decisions is when raising my children.  My children are the complete opposite, so finding a balance in the different parenting styles they needed was challenging.  There were no right answers, but there were many competing ideas.  This called for creativity and time for reflection, continually probing, sensing, and from there, responding.  I wanted to be the best version of myself possible for my children, continually encouraging communication and open discussion on how situations affected them.  The right decisions eventually emerged as we all navigated ups and downs. 

Operating in the chaotic realm while applying the framework, leaders become aware of the necessity to operate quickly within the model of act, sense, and respond.  Leaders will set up mechanisms to take advantage of opportunities the chaotic situation presents, working to shift the context by looking for what works immediately until order is established.  An example of how the framework facilitated my decision-making in a chaotic situation was when the store experienced a power outage during peak hours.  I was never briefed on a standard operating procedure in the event of a storewide power outage because the situation was extremely rare.   When this happened, after the power did not return after several minutes, I shut the store down by talking over the megaphone asking all customers to calmly exit to the front of the store, leaving their carts and merchandise.  I apologized for any inconvenience and assured them that we are working on a quick resolution.  I communicated over the radio with team members and instructed them to sweep through their departments, assisting guests through to the exits.  While we were ensuring the safety of our guests, the power returned.  In this scenario, my top priority was safety.  There was no time to think once I realized the generators had not kicked on right away, so my goal was to act, sense, then respond, working to shift the situation from chaotic to complex.  The only other chaotic situation in my control that I can recall was during hurricane Irma.  Once we realize the storm had shifted toward us, we also realized several families who lived at sea level were reaching out for help.  I invited everyone to come to our home to “hunker down.”  Once everyone had arrived, the situation grew more chaotic as panic had set in.  I took immediate action to re-establish order by delegating teams to work together on preparation.  I assigned a few men to board up the windows and take care of the house on the outside while I aligned all the kids to set up sleeping arrangements, bringing luggage to appropriate rooms, I assigned the women to plan out how we would share in meal, bathing, and cleaning responsibilities while conserving power when the generator was running.  Because everyone had a duty to focus on, this clear and direct communication set everyone at ease, and we all set to work on our tasks.  The chaotic situation then went into the complex domain and from that point with an environment of interaction and communication; I became patient allowing for natural interaction to take place.  I was able to shift my leadership style from command and control

Leaders operating in disorder can apply the framework by analyzing the situation to identify what domain they are operating in instead of assessing the space according to their personal preferences for action.  It is difficult to see when the domain of disorder applies because there are multiple different perspectives.  In his blog, Snowden discusses disorder in Cynefin as the state of being unaware of the underlying ontology, or nature of the system, which results in inauthentic behavior (Snowden, 2016).  Additionally, Snowden and Boone suggest the way out of the realm of disorder is to break the situation down into its parts and assign each part to one of the contexts.  This allows leaders to then make decisions in contextually appropriate ways (Snowden & Boone, 2007).  I think of disorder as the state we are in most of the time before we discover what context of the framework we are in.  Because of this, we are always in a state of disorder until we establish the context and implement the appropriate decision model to start the process of leading effectively regardless of the context. 

Although the definition of the domain of disorder seems clear, I struggled to recall a specific scenario in the domain of disorder.  I came across Chris Corrigans training on complexity where he presents his audience with an exercise to illustrate the disorder domain.  He asked themselves to order themselves economically.  There were varying attempts to define economics but the group found that they exhibit much diversity economically.  They also tried applying every domain to the word to somehow organize without oversimplifying or overcomplicating it.  A full range of emotions was expressed before the task itself moved into a chaotic context as differing solutions and organizing schemes were suggested.  The exercise was a good example of dealing with problems in disorder.  They found that addressing issues with knowledge tends to be undermining regarding who and how people are as well as how people are oriented to our contexts and how we see the world (Carrigan, 2014).  This is the realm I envision when world leaders come together to solve the world’s problems like global warming.  Everyone has their own context for this issue with varying beliefs of its validity or how pertinent it is to life on earth.  I imagine this discussion to be in the realm of disorder like it seems many political issues can be.

The domains of the Cynefin framework helps leaders in decision making by helping them to perceive the environment and make sense of it as well as behavior especially if they perceive the environment to be irrational or unpredictable.  It can give an improved context for decision making because once the domain is identified, leaders can take appropriate action based on the decision model from the respective domain.  Additionally, it can help leaders avoid problems including when they get stuck in decision making patterns when applying their preferred leadership style.

References:

Snowden, D. J., & Boone, M. E. (2007). A leader’s framework for decision making. Harvard Business Review, Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2007/11/a-leaders-framework-for-decision-making

Snowden, D. J., & Boone, M. E. (2007). Decisions in multiple contexts: A leader's guide. Harvard Business Review, Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2007/11/a-leaders-framework-for-decision-making

Snowden, D. (2016). The domain of disorder (i). Retrieved from /blog/the-domain-of-disorder-i/

Corrigan, C. (2014). The importance of the disorder domain in cynefin.  Retrieved on July 21, 2019 from http://www.chriscorrigan.com/parkinglot/the-importance-of-the-disorder-domain-in-cynefin/

A632.7.3.RB_Colaborative Decision Making

Collaborative Decision Making

According to Allen et al., conflict is not a hindrance to collaborative learning, rather as a means through which learning occurs and is essential for creativity and problem solving (Allen et al., 1998).  There has not been a more accurate representation of this statement for me personally than when teams from different areas of the organization came together for a resolution that impacted multiple stakeholders. 

A specific situation when I was faced with making a decision that involved multiple stakeholders was at Target.  When I entered my role, I was handed off a store with many opportunities for process improvements that directly affected our top and bottom lines.  One such opportunity was our in-stocks. This was a problem because more often than not, the store showed product available on our shelf in the system but physically there was nothing there; customers would go to the store looking for something they expected to buy that showed available but was out of stock.  This was affecting sales and customer satisfaction as well as the results of the metrics we were measured on for store performance.  

The store had to change a lot of our processes and routines because the inventory management system was inaccurate. Essentially, the information we were reporting to the distribution center was consistently inaccurate; the data systematically did not match up to physical counts on the shelves and in the back room, which was important because we didn’t have a back room to store a lot of reserve material. As a result, we were getting too much of some items and not enough of others, which was driving down sales and in-stock levels.  While this became increasingly frustrating, it was about to get even more frustrating when headquarters batched our performance metrics together with the distribution centers.  For the first time, stores and the distribution center started sharing key performance indicators because Target started tying the store metrics to the distribution center’s metrics, so we had to partner with them.  In the past, we were measured on individual performance.  For example, we were rated on in-stocks, sales, and budget, and the distribution centers were rated on trailer fill, productivity, and quality as it pertained to on-time delivery.  The big problem was, headquarters did not provide new key performance indicators (KPI’s) and tasked us to develop our own. 

The process for fixing the issues was to get together and establish goals for hitting our targets, then we had to root cause and develop quality improvements for in-stocks.  Intuitively, I knew that system issues at the store level had to be corrected for a good overall performance measure.  I called a meeting with my logistics ETL, ETL’s from other stores, the distribution center, and the quality team to discuss the overarching goals and find a way to meet them.   During this time, we could all feel the frustrations of this new directive and moving toward an agreement in principle meant dealing with group dynamics and difficult people.  According to Levine, people need to get comfortable working with each other in a new way.  People have different levels of awareness, intra-personal, and interpersonal skills in a group dynamic, even though we had similar intentions and outcomes (Levine, 2009).  It became apparent during much negativism and complaining, that focusing on the desired outcome and big picture while allowing everyone to talk and voice their concerns was the key to getting on the same page toward an agreement.  Additionally, there were several views on the right way to go about the task.  According to Levine, when you multiply the number of people and conflicts, there becomes several right ways.  Trusting your instincts and having positive intentions will guide you toward a sense of the right way (Levine, 2009).

Ultimately, we developed 3 KPI’s based on sales, in-stocks, and product quality.  It took teamwork and partnering to determine what was important and how to drive in-stocks better.  Now we had an agreement in principle.  Everyone was on the same page, and this was a big step toward reaching an agreement.  Levine states that agreements define how activities are coordinated, how people work together that express a joint vision, and a roadmap to results.  Like a dance, with the differing idea of the steps of the dance, but the differences can create a greater synergy (Levine, 2009). What we could not figure out on our own, by collaborating with a larger group of stakeholders, we determined what we wanted to measure and tasked these mechanisms to teams.  Our agreement created the details, the bones of the agreement, which, according to Levine, created trust and eliminates conflict (Levine, 2009).

Over several weeks we measured how the POS systems worked, how we did cycle counts, how up to date our systems were, and how we unloaded the trailers and checked in materials.  After it all shook out, analysis of the data resulted in changes in our processes and routines.  At the store level, we had to change our habits.  Store departments used the new agreement to keep units on the same page.  Articulating a shared vision and creating clear conditions with direction and guidance in implementing team objectives and the overall mission (Levine, 2009). At the distribution center had to change when they were getting product from suppliers and tighten down on the delivery windows so they could flow product directly to the stores sooner.  They also made changes to some of their processes to better serve the stores, like sending product to stores more real-time instead of putting it into reserve and waiting for us to request it.  Suppliers were given a more efficient delivery window of 4 hours instead of 12, so the distribution center could better facilitate flowing product directly to us.  This allowed for a more accurate forecasting and better metric performance.

   

When everything was said and done, the stores received what we wanted, when we wanted it.   This significantly improved our stock-outs and our system more accurately reflected the products in our store, and this quality improvement positively impacted our performance measurements. I attribute this victory to the teams and collaborators that came together to figure out a way to solve the issues.  The issues would not have been found had the stores and the distribution center not collaborated and worked together.  This ultimately increased customer satisfaction and sales.  Levine talks about the power in joining your vision with others.  Clear agreements with other stakeholders and teams can generate an exponential expansion of power as teams work together pursuing common goals (Levine, 2009).  Stakeholders from the customers, store team members, suppliers, warehousing and distribution teams, quality teams on up to HQ were all impacted by this collaborative effort that could not have been done otherwise and we learned that it truly takes a village to achieve what one man could never accomplish on his own.

In the future, this learning experience can help me to make better decisions because it has opened my perspective to what teams can accomplish with collaboration and teamwork empowering team members toward a common goal.  Team dynamics bring much more to the table as differing perspectives are bounced around. The experience can improve my decisions because it has taught me that trusting others and putting my faith in them to do the necessary tasks to get the job done pays off.  It’s about relinquishing control. Lastly, I am a better decision maker because of this experience. I have learned about my leadership abilities and being an effective leader in a dynamic, diverse organization.  That giving up was never an option in my mind, and that my intuition as a guide to resolution is quite reliable.  I was more empowered reflecting on this problem while reading Levine as he discussed leadership saying that leaders don’t give up, don’t blame others, don’t make excuses, they keep moving forward and course correct as they go (Levine, 2009).  The experience opened my eyes and reinforced that respecting differing values and perspectives brings value to situations.  Understanding and honoring them influences a compelling vision for the future.

References:

Levine, S. (2009). Getting to resolution (2nd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.

Allen, W., Brown, K., Gloag, T., Morris, J., Simpson, K., Thomas, J. & Young, R. (1998). Building partnerships for conservation in the Waitaki/Mackenzie basins. Landcare Research Contract Report LC9899/033, Lincoln, New Zealand.  Retrieved on July 11, 2019 from http://learningforsustainability.net/research/thesis/thesis_ch7.html

A632.6.3.RB_The High Cost of Conflict

The High Cost of Conflict

             Communication between a parent and a child is comparatively different from the way adults communicate with each other.  When children are young, there are boundaries parents must set to achieve a balance of friendship and parental control.  As children transition into adulthood, communication becomes challenging before getting better as both parent and child learn to adapt to communicating like adults.  Based on my experience, I have learned that active listening is not as easy as it seems, and it has taken many years and a mediator to help me realize the importance of listening to my daughter. 

             The relationship between a parent and child is one of the most long-lasting and emotionally intense social ties with the most tension, irritation, and ambivalence (Birditt, Miller, Fingerman, & Lefkowitz, E. S., 2009).  My daughter is a very emotionally sensitive, nostalgic girl with a vivid memory and enjoys reliving stories from the past.  This can be nice especially when precious memories are reminisced, but not so nice when negative memories resurface.  Often, I became defensive or brushed them off.  Today, my daughter is 22 years old and my communication with her often takes the tone of a teacher.  Although I have wanted more than anything to get along with her and to become best friends, it has been difficult adjusting and transitioning from mom mode with boundaries and daily discussions about life lessons to friend and support role in her life because I am also raising a 12-year-old son.

             My upbringing has conditioned me to control my emotional eruptions.  Growing up, I was told quite frequently that children are to be seen and not heard, so expressing myself was like walking on eggshells; there were times I was backhanded as a child for expressing my emotions or speaking how I truly felt about a situation.  Raising an emotional child has helped me to become more sensitive to the feelings and emotions of others but not without a learning curve.  When my daughter was a teenager, I needed to allow her to process her feelings and memories in a healthy way so she could move forward.  This was a significant part of her development into a self-confident young woman.  This phase of self-discovery caused much tension between her and me especially in those days when I worked long hours in retail, and my energy levels were often depleted when she needed me the most.  The overall quality of our relationship resulted in depressive symptoms in my daughter.  According to Birditt, et al., parent-child tensions are common and are the result of discrepancies in developmental needs which vary by generation, gender, and age (Birditt, Miller, Fingerman, & Lefkowitz, E. S., 2009).  I had to learn patience and learn how to filter her emotions and really listen to what she was saying, but this did not happen overnight.  

             Our relationship went through some difficult times for a few years with periods of not speaking.  I was trying to be helpful based on my experiences, but it took a third party for me to realize this is not what she needs. A few months ago, she brought a friend over to the house whose relationship with her mother was very much the same as ours.  This friend is also very much like my daughter; sensitive and emotional.  We talked for hours as she told stories about how she and her mother overcame much of the same issues.  I started to see a whole other perspective as she brought more clarity to how feelings of hurt became deeply rooted throughout the years as emotions were disregarded.  This was the turning point for me to develop an attitude of resolution.  My daughter took the time to pour out all her anger and frustration built up over many years.  Tears were shed among all three of us women as clarity replaced confusion and hurt between us. 

             The second step in Levine’s resolution model is about understanding and being understood.  I came to realize the value of listening with a careful ear, honoring her authenticity, and understanding her truth (Levine, 2009). At first, I took on a defensive tone, but her friend interpreted the root of what my daughter Ally was saying, and she pointed out my natural reaction to offer my opinion or a life lesson.  She showed me that for many years my daughter felt that what I had to offer was sending a message that she was incapable or inept to handle her situations and that by offering my opinion on what she should do or should have done, I was not allowing her to be authentic.  What also surfaced was her belief that I dislike her.  My wanting the best for my daughter, always suggesting a different alternative, was interpreted as me dissatisfied with her, and she couldn’t do anything right.  After hearing this, I let her know how proud of her I am, how she inspires me, and how I live vicariously through her.  As her friend explained that her mother is the same way, this helped Ally to realize how mothers think.  Telling her these things disarmed her from being defensive and also allowed her to see that I do have only the best intentions for her.  The fourth step in Levine’s resolution model is getting current and complete.  We each said difficult things which helped us to experience and grieve for the disappointment of unrealized expectations (Levine, 2009).  This process gave us information and emotional freedom to make peace with the past an see a vision for the future where we are best friends able to communicate on a deep level.

             To further expand on Levine’s model, what’s interesting about this experience is we each learned about our differences, including differences in the way we listen.  In a study by Christa Arnold, listening surveys find that we rate ourselves as good to excellent listeners but fair to poor listeners for other people.  Additionally, many people do not even know there are types of listening other than “active” or “passive” listening.  Professor Arnold discusses there are many types of listening, including discriminative, comprehensive, therapeutic, critical,  empathic, and appreciative (Arnold, 2014) along with the many skills involved for each type of listening.  After reflecting on my listening over the past 22 years, much clarity and understanding could have been drawn from empathic and appreciative listening, and these are the skills I fully intend to learn more of and apply to our discussions going forward.

             Armed with a new attitude of resolution, new information about each other, and new listening skills, Levine’s model and a third-party mediator has helped to resolve this extensive conflict.  We are no longer burdened by the hurt and grief at the ever-nagging thought of losing each other for lack of a better alternative.  Step 7 of Levine’s roadmap for resolving conflict was once an imaginary future state we each had only hoped to achieve and now armed with a new agreement, a clear mind about the past, we can freely move forward, devoting our energy and attention to currently desired outcomes.  We have emptied ourselves of the past, spoken our unspeakables, and now have a new sense of freedom (Levine, 2009).  We are empowered and resolved.  

References:

Arnold, C.L. (2014). Listening: The Forgotten Communication Skill. J Mass Communication Journalism 4:e155. doi:10.4172/2165-7912.1000e155

Birditt, K. S., Miller, L. M., Fingerman, K. L., & Lefkowitz, E. S. (2009). Tensions in the parent and adult child relationship: Links to solidarity and ambivalence. Psychology and aging, 24(2), 287–295. doi:10.1037/a0015196

Levine, S. (2009). Getting to resolution (2nd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.